When we talk about trauma, we automatically think of post-traumatic stress disorder and things like sexual abuse, rape, physical violence, war; however, not everyone who experiences a distressing situation develops post-traumatic stress disorder (it can be trauma without meeting the diagnostic criteria), and not everyone who experiences trauma refers to the above mentioned factors. In fact, other experiences, such as subtle emotional neglect in childhood, can be incredibly traumatic and have a significant impact on the health and quality of life of those affected. Let’s find out why:
So what is childhood emotional neglect?
Emotional neglect in childhood is a form of psychological suffering in which a child’s emotional needs are not met by his or her caregivers. Unlike physical neglect or abuse, which entails the lack of basic physical needs or the presence of harmful actions, emotional neglect is distinguished by a lack of emotional support, attention and validation. This may be intentional or unintentional, coming from caregivers who are themselves emotionally unavailable, overwhelmed or unaware of the emotional needs of the child.
So you think you had a perfect, loving childhood?
Answer this question: who was there for you when you were a child, and I mean, who was there for your emotions when you felt anxious, angry, overwhelmed, scared, confused and so on. Who supported you emotionally and made room for your emotions when you were a child? Consistently and unconditionally?
Many people realize that they had no one to talk to (or at least, no adult to talk to), which can be a sign of emotional neglect. This doesn’t mean your parents did it on purpose – many parents are unable to provide emotional space for their children because they haven’t experienced it themselves (which is why we need many more adults in therapy to learn how to manage their emotional experiences so they can teach them to their children and avoid passing on generational trauma, but that’s another story! ) or because they themselves were in survival mode: busy surviving, getting through the day, or too distracted by the noise of the world to be present with their children.
Although it’s not an intentional act (in some cases it is, but that’s not the subject of this article; however, I wanted to point it out quickly for those concerned), the impact on the child is traumatic and can have serious consequences on his/their or her life.
1. Emotional regulation issues
If no one has shown you how to manage emotions (and what I mean by manage is not to suppress emotions and control them so they don’t get in the way, but rather to learn to reduce their intensity and work through the underlying unmet needs of what the emotion is trying to communicate to you), then you have no idea how to do it for yourself. This means you may experience mood swings, intense and overwhelming emotions, have difficulty identifying emotions and tend to suppress and avoid them.
2. Low self-esteem
If you’ve come to understand that you don’t deserve to take up space and that your emotional needs aren’t a priority, this can hinder the process of building self-esteem, as it teaches you that you shouldn’t be your own priority, that others matter more than you and that you’re a burden when you experience emotions, so you withdraw from others when you’re overwhelmed or suppress your emotions in order to secure your attachments. You may struggle with self-criticism, accepting compliments, seizing certain opportunities because you’ve convinced yourself that you’re not good enough or worthy enough to seize them, or even to ask for more. And your relationships can be severely impacted too:
3. Relationship problems
Emotional childhood neglect can impact relationships in the following ways:
1) trust issues (struggling in confiding in others, or showing vulnerability, not trusting others intentions, struggling with receiving compassion and kindness; avoid deep connections)
2) difficulty expressing emotions to partners
3) putting up a lot of walls to protect from potential pain
4) remain in relationships that are not healthy for them
5) seeking constant reassurance in their partners
6) being overly reliant on their partner for sense of safety and happiness: being lost without partners validation
7) overreacting ; struggling with conflict
8) Testing partners commitment often
9) Letting others step over your boundaries
10) Engaging in partners poor communication/treatment: allowing silent treatment or yelling
4. Feeling lonely
Constant unmet emotional needs in children can lead to chronic feelings of loneliness – because they never felt accepted, seen and valued for who they are. The constant disconnection from their feelings means that they don’t even learn to recognize their own emotional needs, and it creates this void that they try to fill through others, but unfortunately even that never feels sufficient because they are constantly abandoning their own inner emotional world in search of attachments. So you may have attachments, but you’re not authentically yourself in your relationships, and that fuels the fear of having to maintain that kind of relationship because otherwise you might lose the attachment. No matter what you do, you feel chronically lonely, with or without people around you.
5. Mental health problems
Adults who experienced emotional neglect as children may grow up with having issues with depression (suppressing emotions because the world is not safe to receive your emotions and therefore protecting you from partaking in it to remain safe), burnout (because you were never taught to be good enough, you always push yourself in order to one day hopefully be seen for your productivity over for who you are because you dont think thats an option), anxiety issues (sensitive to rejection, fear of abandonment/rejection, persistent worry about every day life, more in tune with risks, substance misuse (to numb emotions), andin somce cases post traumatic stress disorder.
Did you experienced childhood emotional neglect and want therapy?
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