- ‘I can’t share with a stranger’.
No one denies that it can be uncomfortable to consider confiding in a stranger. Many people say that this is why they don’t go into therapy, because they don’t think they can overcome this discomfort. If this is the case for you, let me break it down: therapists are aware of this difficulty and although we have different therapeutic styles, we all have the therapeutic relationship in common, which means that the relationship between you and the therapist is a priority.
Perhaps you could consider talking to this new therapist about your hesitations because you don’t know them very well and this makes you reluctant to share a lot of things and see how they respond to you. I can’t guarantee what they’ll say, but I can tell you how I approach it: I like to say that if clients don’t want to answer a question, that’s their right, but that I’ll explore why they don’t want to share it yet so that we can understand and work through their resistance together.
Most people don’t realise that this situation is an excellent place to start therapy, because it allows you to examine what you need to feel safe and comfortable in your relationships. This is already therapeutic. So, it’s perfectly OK to engage in therapy, even if you feel you can’t share yet, because building that sense of safety is part of it, so you’ve got an excellent starting point!
- ‘I’m not ready yet’.
Another common reason is the “I’m not ready yet” argument, which again reflects your expectations of therapy. Therapy can do different things for different people, and its effectiveness depends on what you want to do with it. Sharing with your therapist that you feel ‘not ready yet’ allows you to start thinking about your expectations of the therapeutic space and explore these with your therapist from the start. This is good because it allows you to address misconceptions and unrealistic expectations, and to start exploring what you want from your therapeutic space.
Additionally, if you want to explore the therapeutic space without going too deep, that’s perfectly possible. Therapy doesn’t have to be deep and dark all the time, in fact that’s never been my experience. All sessions differ from each other as clients move through their process and their needs fluctuate from week to week.
This is where your sense of agency comes in, which people often forget in the context of therapy because they see the therapist as an authoritarian person you can’t escape, but that’s completely wrong: you can express to a therapist your boundaries, the things you’d like to explore and the things you’re not ready for. Exploring this may be interesting for you and enable you to discover more about yourself than you had previously considered.
You can go into therapy without feeling 100% ready for it, I’ve never met anyone who felt 100% ready for it, because it’s normal for a part of you to resist it, it’s a reasonable reaction to possibly feeling vulnerable. Therapy is meant to be a place where feelings of discomfort and resistance can be felt because they are contained by the trusting relationship you build with your therapist. So, try it, give it patience and a little time, and normalize some discomfort while you try something new for yourself here. But you can absolutely try it. If you wait until you feel 100% ready, you may never experience the benefits.
- ‘I am scared of revisiting my trauma(s)’
Another factor to consider when working with trauma and high levels of shame, for example, is that sharing too much too soon can be overwhelming and become a risk factor for you not attending future sessions: this means that in this context you are not expected to go into detail, if anything I will aim to keep the work is paced and balanced so that you continue to feel safe in the therapeutic space.
There is a misconception that the only effective part of trauma therapy is replaying traumatic events in great detail. This is not the case; there are many aspects of trauma therapy that can benefit you, as well as different approaches to treating trauma. You can therefore undergo therapy without revisiting your traumas in detail, to improve your quality of life and your relationship with yourself.
- ‘My problems aren’t that severe’.
It is normal to compare yourself to others, but you do not have to have a mental health diagnosis to seek therapy, nor do you have to have severe symptoms or limitations in your daily life to seek therapy. Ideally, therapy is meant to be a confidential space that adapts to your needs, and it is also an inquisitive, reflective space. It’s even better to seek therapy before your “low point” is reached, because then you can engage in therapy in a variety of ways.
It can help prevent you from resorting to inappropriate coping strategies that can worsen your mental and sometimes physical health in the long run. You can even go to therapy if things are going well. Some people do that to discover deeper things about themselves because they feel they have the stability to do so.
- ‘I don’t want to talk about my childhood’.
Yes, it is useful for therapists to have an insight into your childhood to understand what is currently affecting you. That said, the perception that therapy requires you to talk incessantly and in depth about your childhood is incorrect. You can engage in therapy without talking too much about your childhood and you can explore why you feel reluctant to talk about it too much with your therapist.
But ultimately the current state of your interpersonal relationships gives the therapist a very good indication of some of the potentially induced childhood dynamics you have been exposed to. If you avoid trying therapy because you think it involves constantly revisiting your childhood, reconsider attending therapy. Not everything is related to your childhood or childhood trauma.
- ‘I solve my problems by myself’.
Many people think of therapy as a place to solve problems, and from a certain point of view, therapy can be seen as a place to get answers by engaging in a process of better understanding yourself and how you relate to the world and cope with difficult emotions.
Paradoxically, many people who rely solely on problem-solving mechanisms struggle with certain aspects of their lives and mental health because they haven’t been taught other tools for dealing with certain situations that don’t require problem-solving skills at all.
If you feel that you often resort to problem-solving mechanisms, therapy could be the ideal place to discover other ways of coping with adversity and could have an impact on developing better self-esteem and improving the quality of your relationships.
Please take the following with a grain of salt, but if you recognize yourself in it, you might want to consider starting therapy: sometimes the underlying meaning of “I solve my problems on my own” is linked to feelings of unworthiness, or that you’d be seen as a burden if you let other people in when you need support, which would threaten your relationships, or that it would damage your sense of self of being a “strong man” or “strong woman”.
Therapy can be an excellent way of deconstructing what it means for you to ask for support. Sometimes, the fact that you don’t let others in is at the heart of the difficulties you present. Working on this point can therefore not only bring you immediate relief, but also have an indirect impact on your self-esteem and the quality of your relationships.
- ‘I tried therapy when I was younger and it was not for me’.
This is an argument I often hear from adults. It’s a real shame that early experiences discourage people from seeking help at a later stage in their lives. This doesn’t mean that therapy isn’t for you, it may simply mean that you weren’t a good fit with your therapist at the time, or that other factors prevented you from engaging with the process in a way that met your needs.
But that’s precisely the problem: the context is not the same. Even if you had a positive experience as a young adult, teenager or even child, the experience you’ll have now with a new therapist won’t be the same, because you’re not the same person and the therapist will be a different individual.
This time, you can perhaps ask yourself about your own role in the therapeutic process: can you express what helps you and what doesn’t throughout the process to increase your chances of getting what you need in the therapeutic space? In addition, you can talk to your new therapist and explore how to shape your therapeutic space and your relationship with them so that you feel safe.
Sometimes – and I stress this point: not always – previous experiences of therapy are experienced as useless because the client in question felt that they had no influence on the process. If this is your case, and you are now a fully-fledged adult, remember that you can have your say in the therapeutic space: that’s the whole point. Perhaps it’s time to seek out the therapeutic space you should have had before, whether as an adolescent or a child.
Finding the right therapist can take some time and, ideally, it would be easier to find the right person straight away, but each experience is not waste. It sheds light on what you need in a therapist, while opening your eyes to what you also bring to the therapeutic relationship.