Dating can be challenging, and it’s even more tiring when you don’t really know what you’re looking for. That’s why it’s so important to find ways to make dating effective, and to do everything in your power to avoid wasting time with the wrong person. To do this, you first need to know your own needs. What do you want from a partner, and can you deliver on those needs yourself? That’s your starting point, but one of the key elements of dating is knowing how to recognize red flags. While everyone has different needs and standards, certain key factors may never bode well for you. This article outlines the essential issues to look out for when dating:
Not learning from past relationships: Be careful if your dating partner talks negatively about all his exes or blames them for everything. This could indicate that he/she is not taking responsibility for his/her actions. Ask them what they’ve learned from the relationship and how they’re actively implementing that change. For instance, if the person says they’ve learned to communicate better, ask what efforts they’re making to improve their communication. Many people say they’ve learned something but don’t put it into practice. You want someone who makes the effort to improve.
Controlling behaviour: If your dating partner tries to control what you do, who you see or where you go, it’s a sign of manipulation and potential possessiveness. Watch out if they start telling you what clothes are acceptable and what photos are allowed to be posted on social media. You don’t want a partner telling you who you should be and how you should behave.
Lack of empathy: Observe the way they respond to you when you share emotions and check with yourself how you feel about their response. Do you feel seen? received? validated? listened to? Do they come across as sincere? Do they even acknowledge that you’re sharing your vulnerability with them and that they’re grateful? Sometimes, when we share something vulnerable, we lose sight of how we feel about their response because we already feel so exposed in the moment – but try to ask yourself, at least after the date, how you feel sharing some vulnerability with this person. And how do you feel AFTER seeing them – notice your body’s cues.
Poor communication: Communication is essential in any relationship. If your date is constantly avoidant, dismissive or shies away from important topics (or worse – ghosts), this could be a red flag. If your date is inconsistent in their communication, or if they are very present and then disappear, it could be an on/off dynamic that you want to avoid. If you were supposed to have a date and you haven’t heard the practical details and it is now the day itself, don’t beg and chase, simply assume that the date won’t take place.
Black/White Thinking:Are they able to look at a situation in different ways and leave room for multiple truths, or are they very stubborn in their thinking and give the impression that their way of seeing the world is the only way to understand it, etc.? People who find it hard to look at things from different angles may find it harder to meet challenges in their relationships, and this may even impair their ability to offer you top-quality levels of empathy.
Inconsistency: Be attentive to inconsistencies in your date’s behaviour or history. If they say one thing and do another, this may reflect dishonesty or a lack of integrity. Don’t focus on what is said, but on the behaviours displayed and whether there is a discrepancy between what is said and what is done.
Addictive behaviours: Pay attention to signs of dependence or substance abuse. These types of problems can have a serious impact on a relationship and are closely linked to difficulties with attachment and self-esteem, all of which requires professional help.
Boundary violations: Respecting boundaries is essential in any healthy relationship. If they ignore or reject your boundaries, that’s a red flag, especially if they’re trying to exceed them when it comes to sex. No means no. And if you need to say it more than once this is a very big problem.
Poor Sexual Health: Do they take sexual health seriously? Are they up to date with their screening tests? Do they understand the importance of talking about sexual health, or are they defensive? If they’re not into safe sex and reveal that they’re not up to date with their tests, this is a red flag not to be ignored. Do you really want a partner who doesn’t respect their own body nor yours, and who isn’t accountable for their actions? While sex can be fun, it does carry risks, and it’s the sensible adult thing to do to recognise this.
Lack self-awareness: ask them what life experiences have shaped who they are today, and where they are in their personal and professional development (there’s usually an overlap). If the person doesn’t have an answer to this question, it may be a sign that they are not engaging in self-reflection and/or are not being honest with themselves about who they are and where they are in their life. People who can’t be honest with themselves can’t be honest with you, and such a fundamental lack of self-awareness can have a negative impact on the relationship.
Avoidance: Notice if he avoids deeper conversations, vulnerability and tackling problems in other areas of his life. It’s also important for you to know how they cope with adversity. If they are very evasive about their problems: this is bound to show up in your relationship, and you’ll want to make sure that you’re not the only one with the courage to tackle problems and work on them. If they are allergic to anything perceived as uncomfortable, that’s not a good sign.
Unable to be present: Notice if this person always has something to do, is constantly rushing from one thing to another and never takes a break. They are constantly distracted during the date and have trouble being in the moment. It’s hard to build a lasting relationship with a partner who’s never in the present.
They ‘never get angry’: Talk early on about anger and how they handle conflict. If they claim it’s not a problem because they “never get angry”, that’s not a good sign. Anger is a necessary emotion that indicates our emotional needs and helps us set limits. A person who is completely disconnected from his anger may be unable to identify his emotional needs, let alone communicate them to others. This can lead to an increase in other emotions, such as resentment, which can reduce desire and hinder the quality of the relationship.