We’ve all been guilty of experimenting with the inconsistent chase game at least once in our love lives. We all know how exhausting and emotionally draining it can be. And while you can never control other people’s behaviours or really predict whether they’ll try to lure you into this “hot and cold” relational mode, there are a few things you can do to make sure you don’t get sucked in and put a stop to the situation before you get too attached.
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Boundaries
Before you even go on a date with anyone, you need to be very clear with 3 things:
a) what you are looking for
b) what flaws you would be okay with and why
c) what your boundaries are (i.e what behaviours do you accept or not)I encourage you to take the time to think about it. Take a pen and paper and write it all down. If you don’t know how to answer, just think about your previous dating experiences: what did you like/or not and why. What’s important to you in the dating process and what do you need to connect with someone (i.e. establish trust/intimacy/communication/what love language do you have and what love language do you need them to have to feel seen/loved).
Ask yourself: what do you need to feel emotionally safe with someone?
It’s very important to have an idea of this before you meet someone, so that you can start setting up your boundaries right from the start. This means you have a basis, and when you communicate your limits, you can already tell whether that person accepts the limits or finds them offensive. That is your starting point: notice if they react negatively to your limits and gets defensive. If they do they are probably not a good person for you, because a person who has no limits is a person who lacks self-love.
And a person who lacks self-love can’t give anything to you. Having boundaries prevents you from being sucked into the push-and-pull dynamic when you prioritise them: if you value consistency, you won’t be attracted to someone whose behaviour is inconsistent because you know better than losing yourself for the sake of attachment that does not honour your core values. You’ll put a stop to it here and there. You also need to reinforce your boundaries as people like this may come back weeks/months/years later.
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Pace & Introspection
Very often people tend to get sucked into the flow of the ‘fun of dating’. And I understand that dating can be fun and it is important to appreciate your dating experiences (going to fun bars, going out dancing, going out in beautiful restaurants or to whatever events) however you can easily get distracted and accidentally go too fast without realising it.
There is little time to pause, reflect and take the time to notice how you feel with this person. Sometimes they keep you busy because they don’t know how to be present with someone. This is often the case with people who adopt push/pull behaviors because they’re used to chaos rather than peace. So notice if you’re always “doing things” instead of prioritising “being together”.
Reflect: What is it that you like about them and why. Or is it about how they make you feel – or what they may be representing to you? What is actually going between you and this person. What is the gut feeling saying? So make sure to pace things – don’t go faster than you are comfortable with and communicate that to the other person.
You do not need to take a passive role in the process of dating (even if you are a woman!): you can plan dates together in a way that suits both and if you do not want to meet 3 times in a week it is okay. Be intentional with noticing how your body feels in the presence of this person. Do not just go with the flow, that usually ends up badly.
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Reciprocity
Notice if there is a lack of reciprocity in the relationship, are you always the one texting first? are you always the one making plans? are you always the one following up on them? what happens if you do not engage in such behaviours? are you giving more emotionally than they are? are you putting more efforts generally than they are? does it simply feel imbalanced?
Not everyone reciprocates in the same way, nor does everyone have the same love language. But have you talked about it together? Communication and timing are important. Even if you can give someone a chance to reciprocate, you have the right to say that the delay is too long and doesn’t fit your limits, and to decide that this person isn’t right for you. You should also be wary of any partner who doesn’t reciprocate for a while, as this may be a sign that you’re not on the same wavelength, whether because they’re only interested in the hot and cold dating game or because they’re not ready for anything else and don’t have the strength to express it. What matters most is how you feel about what they give you in return. That’s your compass.
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Recognise the signs
Pay attention to the following: Fluctuating communication and delayed responses (for example, they send too many text messages followed by long periods of silence), they cancel often, they’re unreliable, they can show a lot of affection and then withdraw, they’re unclear about their intentions and plans for the future, they can be interested in you and appear very distracted when spending time with you, they make last-minute decisions and their availability for dates is very inconsistent. They have difficulty sharing their emotions, and the way they share their vulnerability is chaotic. They are either too present, or withdraw out of nowhere. They may also be secretive about their lives.
Let me be very clear: if you have to constantly monitor their behavior and actively look for red flags, this is not a fun or authentic relationship dynamic in which you feel emotionally safe. You’re busy monitoring them and being extra cautious, waiting for the worst to happen. What I mean here is that it’s more about recognizing the signs when they display the above behaviors organically – it’s not the same as taking on the role of constantly surveilling them and being in alert mode. If you’re constantly on alert in the presence of someone, it’s worth asking yourself why you stay in the presence of someone who makes you feel that way. It’s incredibly stressful.
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Emotional regulation / Feel your feelings
You need to make sure you know some emotional regulation tools, because often what keeps people trapped in the chase game is that they’re either a) also drawn to chaos because of their own past and attachment wounds, or b) they don’t have the skills to regulate emotions, so the emotions are too uncomfortable to feel when you decide to detach from that person and get stuck. That’s why it’s important to set a boundary as soon as you start to notice that this person isn’t right for you, to avoid going through the yo-yo of ups and downs with this person, which can make it harder for your body to detach from them.
Once you’ve made the decision to no longer see this person, to no longer have contact with them, to no longer see their social media and make sure they no longer see yours, to use emotional regulation techniques such as breathing, for example, to let your feelings out in an appropriate way when you’re feeling big emotions, whether it’s loss, disappointment, anger, and more.Feel your feelings and remember that they are temporary.Give yourself some time and grace and treat this like you are sick from a cold: wait it out. Emotions cannot harm you and they do not dictate behaviours. If you suspect there is a chase game happening or something doesn’t feel right with this person, follow your instinct.
If you’re struggling with this stage, please don’t hesitate to contact me for a consultation: [email protected]