For trauma survivors, shame tends to become a deeply ingrained and prevalent emotion. Unlike guilt, which is tied to specific actions (“I did something wrong”), shame targets the essence of a person (“ I am a bad person”). Shame can be categorised into two types: internal and external.
Internal shame comes from within and is most often tied to profound beliefs about oneself. It’s the feeling that there is something fundamentally wrong with who you are. Trauma survivors often experience internal shame because trauma can distort self-perception, causing feelings of unworthiness or self-blame.
External shame is enforced by external judgments, expectations or cultural stigmas, which survivors internalize. External shame can make people feel that they are being judged, rejected or misunderstood by others because of their trauma or their reactions to it.
Internal and external shame are closely linked. For example, external shame – such as societal stigmatization of trauma or negative attitudes from others – can reinforce internal shame, making survivors feel even more unworthy or inadequate. Inversely, internal shame may make survivors more susceptible to external judgments, amplifying their sensitivity to how others view them.
Understanding this interaction is critical to healing, as it helps trauma survivors to distinguish between how they feel internally and how external factors impact these feelings. By acknowledging internal and external shame, survivors can start to re-examine these beliefs, build resilience and begin to work towards greater self-compassion.
In fact, shame often accompanies trauma, because trauma usually involves a profound feeling of loss of control and vulnerability. When a person is hurt, betrayed or abandoned in a way that feels beyond their own control, it is natural to look for explanations, even if this means blaming oneself. Such self-blame may create a chronically toxic cycle in which the survivor starts to believe that the trauma defines them, thus reinforcing their misconception that they are inherently defective or broken. Moreover, social stigma and the fear of being judged can further intensify such feelings of shame. Survivors may worry that others will somehow pass judgment on them or will misunderstand their experience, which leads them to hide their experience(s).
Additionally, trauma often triggers powerful emotional and physiological reactions that can prevent survivors from separating their self-worth from what they’ve been through. The body’s fight-or-flight response, which is activated during traumatic events, may linger, inducing a state of heightened anxiety or numbness in survivors. Such reactions may be confusing and distressing, reinforcing the belief that there is something wrong with them. This generates a very powerful and disruptive cycle of shame, from which it may seem impossible to break out of.
Tips to Start Working on Shame as a Trauma Survivor:
1. Acknowledge your shame
The first step in healing shame is to name it when it occurs. Shame often thrives in silence, keeping you isolated or feeling unworthy. By acknowledging the feelings of self-blame or inadequacy, you bring them out into the open, reducing their power. It’s essential to remember that shame is an emotional reaction, not a reflection of your true worth. By recognising this distinction, you can begin to approach it with self-compassion, rather than letting it define your perception of yourself.
2. Understand Its Origins
Reflect on the source of your shame. Is it connected to a past trauma, societal expectation or negative personal belief? Understanding the source of your shame can help you separate it from your identity, and recognise that it is a response to external factors rather than an inherent flaw.
3. Practice Emotional Regulation Skills
Emotional regulation is essential to healing shame. By managing the way you react to shame, you can reduce its sense of overwhelm and prevent it from overtaking the way you see yourself. This makes it a bit easier to explore your feelings with curiosity, so that you can understand what may be triggering these feelings and what you can do to self-soothe. Skills like mindfulness and deep breathing can help you remain calm and collected, giving you the space to question and rethink your shame instead of letting it control your perspective.
4. Set Boundaries with Triggers
Setting boundaries with the people who feed your sense of shame is essential to protecting your emotional well-being. Start by identifying the people or behaviours that trigger your feelings of inadequacy, then communicate your needs clearly and assertively. If necessary, reassess the value of relationships that constantly drain your self-esteem; or: re-evaluate your expectations of someone’s inability to support you the way you need (after you’ve made it clear how you wanted them to help you more than once) and decide for yourself whether that relationship can still be part of your life today. By maintaining clear boundaries and realistic expectations, you create a healthier environment for yourself and strengthen your commitment to healing and self-respect.
5. Challenge the self-critical thoughts
When confronted with shame, it’s essential to challenge the self-critical thoughts that arise. Ask yourself: Who decides my worth? Why should I believe I should have acted differently when I did the best I could with what I had at the time? Why give others the power to define me or my actions? Is there any point in being hard on myself when I’m already doing the best I can? By re-examining these thoughts, you can begin to rebuild your self-esteem and move away from unnecessary blame, while recognizing that your worth is not determined by outside opinions or past mistakes.By challenging these negative beliefs, you also open up the possibility of a more compassionate and supportive approach to yourself. This shift helps reduce shame and fosters a healthier, more compassionate view of yourself.
Feeling overwhelmed by shame? I’m here to help. Contact me at [email protected] to schedule your first therapy session. Together, we can explore and work through these feelings, supporting you on your journey towards healing and self-compassion.