Family dynamics can be incredibly complex and stir up many intense emotions. That’s why an essential mindset to have when talking about them is what I like to call “the power of AND”. You can love your family members and choose to keep your distance from them. You can be incredibly happy to spend time with them again and need that time to be limited. You may feel love and other feelings, such as resentment and anger. The “AND” perspective is essential in this context, otherwise, you risk believing that you can’t allow yourself to be in touch with all the different parts of yourself. You don’t have to be a big fan of Christmas to appreciate certain aspects of the holiday, but you also don’t have to identify with being the Grinch to dislike certain parts of this time of year. You’re allowed to be a little in-between. It’s in this in-between area that you can start to navigate your way through the Christmas holidays, being as authentic as possible while managing the relationship dynamics.
- Be in the in-between
So, let’s start by practising being a bit in-between because chances are if you’re reading this article, part of you is dreading the holidays or would like to navigate the family dynamics without it costing you your mental health. That’s why we’re going to start by making a list of everything you’re NOT looking forward to, as it’s usually easier to highlight the things we don’t like than the things we do. Once you’ve completed this list, make a list of all the things you’re looking forward to, whether it’s enjoying the Christmas lights or the biscuits, or watching Christmas movies again, etc. Think about your family members and do the same. For example, you may hate the body shaming that a specific person constantly does at the dinner table, but you may appreciate their ability to have other conversations or be a fun person at times. Why is this important? Because the aim is to protect yourself from the spiral of focusing solely on negative factors.
This will make the weeks leading up to Christmas harder than they need to be, and that’s something you can control. Focus on the little things that make you feel more content. When you’re thinking about something you’re not looking forward to, practice naming one thing you appreciate about the holiday to balance it out, otherwise you’ll risk imprisoning yourself in your own negative vision.
- Be your own light.
If you don’t find anything you like about this holiday or this time of year, that’s where you come in. You’re going to have to be your own light, as I call it, and give yourself the means to act by ceasing to expect the external environment to bring you a feeling of joy, peace, or fulfilment so that you can concentrate on what you can do for yourself and explore what brings you such sensations. It doesn’t have to be a dreadful process, it can even be an opportunity to create your own little holiday tradition, for example, perhaps you can take some space to connect with the playful and creative part of yourself, which can already bring you a sense of tranquillity.
Whether it’s taking part in a cooking or baking workshop in the week before Christmas or before visiting family, challenging yourself to knit a new jumper or scarf, taking time out for a new hobby or simply carving out time in your schedule to make sure you don’t overload yourself with social commitments before Christmas arrives, anything really can be considered. If you’re struggling to think of something, ask yourself what you need or simply try out new things. Sometimes you don’t know what you like until you’ve experienced it, which is self-discovery and another step towards finding what will help make this time of year magical and soothing for you too. Be your own light, find your own magic and be there for yourself.
- Boundaries
Committing to setting boundaries is key to taking care of yourself. You might consider this the perfect opportunity to practise setting your boundaries and think about what they are for you this year, as boundaries can change as you evolve. Think about what’s acceptable to you, and what’s not, and how you’re going to let people know in a way that’s both gentle and assertive and reinforce that boundary throughout the holiday if necessary. It’s something you can control and prepare well in advance. It also allows you to reflect on what you engage with and what you don’t.
For example, do you often step in to voice your opinion when someone says something you disagree with at the dinner table? Are there any topics that you can let go of, or are there certain things that you know you’ll find difficult to allow if certain family members behave in a certain way or raise subjects that trigger strong emotions? If this is the case, for example, if you know that a person tends to ALWAYS bring up the same subject and has not changed their attitude for years, it will be easier for you to decide in advance how you will react if the situation arises, and you can also decide for yourself how you will self-soothe if you find yourself on edge.
By planning ahead and thinking about boundaries, you remind yourself that you have more power than you think and that you can choose how you interact with others and external environments. Try to feel more secure by reflecting on and practicing the soothing techniques that benefit you, so that you feel able to rely on yourself if you need to. Have you ever heard someone say, “I don’t like that person because they always make me feel …..”?
If that’s how you feel about whoever you are seeing at Christmas, remember that nobody is making you feel anything – you are. Again, the predictability of others sometimes works in your favour because you can plan for it. If you know that someone you’re going to see evokes feelings in you, it gives you the opportunity to practise soothing techniques and learn to work through those emotions. If you can target the emotions, that’s even better: is it guilt? is it shame? is it anger? is it feelings of injustice? make this your exploration of your emotional world by improving your relationship with your emotions. How to work this out? I strongly advise you to write down your emotions in a diary and to reflect on your boundaries.
- Practice Acceptance
This is probably the hardest part, and it’s important to understand that “acceptance” doesn’t mean that you allow anyone to treat you however they want and that you never express your emotions or views to others. What I’m talking about here is that people are who they choose to be, and that has nothing to do with you. It also means you choose who you are and how you act and treat others.
The misunderstanding that often occurs is that there is a thirst to be understood by others, particularly in family systems, which is normal. But the reality is that in some cases others can’t understand you as a whole but can only connect with certain parts of you. And that’s OK, because what matters most is respect, the ability to say “OK, I don’t understand you, but I respect you” and to hold on to that when there are disagreements or different visions.
We tend to forget that other people can have internal experiences that are totally different from our own and that they are therefore not in alignment with you, so it’s important to be aware of this and to know that what matters is that you feel secure in who you are and in who you are in the process of becoming. That’s not to say that you can’t feel anger, disappointment, or other feelings towards your family members – always feel your feelings – but remember that the way they see you, understand you, show you love, and care reflects who they are, not a reflection of you. Let me add that sometimes the way others love us is not the way we need them to love us, but it’s the best they can do. Of course, this is not to be understood in the context of abusive relationships, but you get my point.
Would it be possible for you to accept who you are, but also to accept who they are, including their differences? Is it possible to spend time together in the in-between? Without perfection, but by being present with one another and allowing all parties to contribute in the only way they can? Can that be enough?