Stress management is a recurrent topic, and what we often associate with stress are external factors such as work, family commitments, financial challenges, the wider context of the world and so on. And these factors do, of course, contribute to the presence of stress.
However, what we don’t talk about enough are the times when your stress stems from your own expectations and your own conceptualisation of success/family/couple/single life. Are you able to recognise when your own expectations are at the root of your anxiety and do you know what to do about it? This article presents some indicators that show your expectations are hurting you the most.
If you need help with your anxiety, don’t hesitate to contact me and book an initial consultation by sending an e-mail to [email protected]
Social Comparisons
You notice that you’ve been comparing yourself or your situation more to other people lately (or it’s something you’ve always done…!) and this brings up uncomfortable feelings. When we compare ourselves to other people, we often forget that we’re making judgments based on our perception of what we think others have for themselves – because there’s not much you can tell from their stories or IG posts, nor from what they choose to tell you. Remember, people tell others what they want you to know about them.
The interesting question here is what it is about other people’s lives that makes you so anxious? Why do you think your life has to be like theirs? Why do you focus so much on others instead of your own, and what do you perceive they have that you don’t, and what does that mean to you? Because that’s where the anxiety comes from, your perception of not having something you think you need to a) “succeed”, b) be accepted by others and c) have a sense of validation and boost your self-esteem.
I’d like to point out that this can also happen in the context of a relationship: all it takes is for one partner to be sensitive to compliance with social norms, for example, for this to raise many questions about the relationship and why it’s not at the same stage as others, for example. This brings me to the next point:
Impact on your relationship
Your journey as an individual and as a couple has its own rhythm, and if there’s one thing you don’t know, it’s what’s going on behind the closed doors of other couples. When you notice yourself comparing your relationship to that of other couples, ask yourself what it is about your relationship that makes you uncomfortable. Why is your attention turned outwards instead of being present in your own relationship?
We all have learned beliefs about relationships, so if any anxiety arises about this, it may be worth reflecting on: a) what I’ve been taught about relationships b) what my expectations are c) are there any beliefs that aren’t working for me d) which ones cause the most emotional distress e) why do I need/fear other people’s judgment of my relationship and where I am in life?
If you’re struggling to deal with anxiety – or if your partner is – this can also have a negative impact on your relationship, especially if you both have completely different ways of coping. That’s why it’s essential to learn emotional regulation and self-soothing techniques so that you don’t depend on your partner to make you feel emotionally well or to handle stress for you, and so that you both feel confident in your own ways of coping. This is how a couple becomes resilient. So ask yourself, is your anxiety about meeting your own expectations getting in the way of your relationship? If you’re having trouble managing your anxiety or stress, I strongly advise you to seek professional help.
Rumination / Worrying
If you’re anxious about your life meeting the expectations you’ve set for yourself (but which are of course influenced by societal norms and other beliefs you’ve absorbed throughout your life), it’s very possible that you’re experiencing constant rumination and worry. This makes sense because there’s an underlying fear: “Well, if I don’t live up to these expectations, what happens now?” …../”What does this mean for me/how do others perceive me?” …. Rumination is concerned with the past, i.e. going back over and over again to a situation that has happened, which can lead you to judge yourself for not behaving as you’d hoped, for example, whereas worry is future-oriented and tries to protect against the worst-case scenario by preparing to find solutions in case the worst happens, giving a (false) sense of control. So you ruminate on something that happened that you think may dictate whether or not you meet your expectations (or those you perceive in others), which may lead you to worry about potential consequences in your relationship, for example, or to realise that you may be missing out on a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
Rigidity / Fear of failure / Shame
Of course everyone has standards for themselves and have goals for their lives. That said, if you notice that you are very rigid with your expectations and your desires then this may be contributing to your anxiety. You may be experiencing this is you keep having a ‘black/white’ way of thinking and interpreting situations. This is not said enough but: you are allowed to change your mind. You are allowed to reframe your own expectations and unfortunately this principle of flexibility gets lost at times in the pursuit of meeting the expectations you have in mind. It can be aggravated if you have a fear of failure as well and it is worth to ask yourself: who are you afraid of disappointing? if you disappoint yourself, what does that mean about how you define yourself? This is where some complexity comes in: your sense of worth and identity can feel attacked if you associate it with meeting your expectations (or fulfilling someone else’s expectations to fulfil a certain role that gives you purpose.)
This can involve feeling ashamed, i.e. feeling like a bad person, which can have negative consequences on relationships. If you feel you are a bad person and therefore unworthy, you may then develop the belief that others are better off without you, or that you don’t fit in with others because you assume you haven’t met the expectations required to be part of the group. Shame is powerful and can hinder help-seeking behaviours, it can fuel anxiety and self-criticism that worsen your emotional state and don’t help you at all in finding ways to meet your expectations. So it is worth asking yourself: are you afraid of failing to meet your own expectations or are you afraid of feeling your shame?
Physical symptoms of stress
Constantly worrying and judging yourself for not living up to the expectations in your head, and constantly overworking and being in action mode to meet those expectations can stress the body to such an extent that it can begin to manifest itself physiologically. Headaches, stomach problems, random skin rashes, hair loss, changes in energy levels, changes in appetite, feeling light-headed, overheated, constantly getting ill… if you’re experiencing these symptoms, don’t ignore them. Please speak to a licensed healthcare professional. Why is it more important to meet these expectations than to stay healthy? It’s important to think about this: some of the expectations we have for our lives aren’t necessarily the right ones for us. How do you choose the expectations you want to set for yourself? Do you take your health into account in this decision-making process, or haven’t you thought about it? Or do you simply expect yourself to accept high levels of stress, even if they have a negative impact on your health, as a “normal sacrifice” to be made?
Even if there are external stressors, how can you set limits and protect yourself against them? How much of the circumstance affects you, and how much of it is your reaction to make sense of the situation? If you’re worried that your life isn’t going as planned and you find yourself in a situation that reminds you of this, you’re more likely to be emotionally vulnerable because of the emotional charge attached to it, rather than experiencing an appropriate stress-to-stimulus ratio. You may not be able to change the situation itself, but how you interpret it is up to you. You give meaning to your daily experiences. So, if you’re preoccupied with meeting expectations, it’s through this prism that you’ll apprehend the world, and this can add an extra layer of stress. What if we stopped making the pursuit of these expectations the goal of our lives and instead prioritized something else, like being present in the moment and appreciating who we are and where we are.