I’m a strong advocate of raising awareness of any topic related to mental health, especially relationships, as they are an important part of our lives as human beings. It’s important that we better understand relationship dynamics and the many variables that come into play so that we can do our best to cultivate relationships that contribute to our lives in an enriching way.
Unfortunately, the format of social media doesn’t leave much room for the complexity of relationships or mental health topics, leading pop psychology to make generalisations and disseminate certain “principles” about relationships that now shape our norms about them and influence how we behave in our relationships. Given that the information we’re exposed to can influence our behaviour, it’s necessary to think critically about certain issues and be aware of the limitations of pop psychology – recognising that it’s not necessarily rooted in evidence-based knowledge and being cautious in following its advice – whether it’s about your personal development or your relationships. It’s hard, isn’t it? Where do you turn if you have to be constantly aware of misinformation? This article presents 5 factors in popular psychology that I believe negatively influence relationships.
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One size fits all approach
One of the main problems with pop psychology is that it ignores the most fundamental principle that applies to every relationship: we are all creators of our own relationships. The aim is not to follow a script; each person is unique and so is each couple. Relationships are about people committing to each other in a way that works for them, and the whole process is about partners creating that unity together. This is not a linear or straightforward process. The same relationship is bound to change over time. Not everyone is meant to have exactly the same relationship.
As simple as this may sound when you read it, it’s a principle that gets lost so easily. There are so many articles on what a “good” relationship is, or on warning signs of a “toxic” relationship, and so much advice given on “overcoming marital problems” that doesn’t take into account the uniqueness of each relationship. Without realising it, we absorb a great deal of information that promotes a black/white conception of relationships, giving people a reductive outlook on what relationships really entail. This can create problems in relationships. It can create doubt where none is needed.
The most important thing is to feel good in a relationship, whether or not others understand your way of doing things as a couple. However, if you haven’t fully grasped this concept and believe that there is indeed ONE way of behaving in relationships, and that you want to adhere to societal norms on the subject, you may feel a certain discomfort when you realise that your current relationship doesn’t fit in perfectly with these ideas. Instead of feeling secure in your relationship, you question it because it’s different. Or worse, you keep trying to build a relationship (or grow your relationship) in a direction that’s actually not good for you because it doesn’t take into account your needs or your partner’s, you’re prioritising a pop psychology/societal norm image of what the relationship is supposed to look like just to feel like you’re “getting it right” somehow and feeling a sense of belonging. In other words, pop psychology can lead us to have unrealistic expectations of our partner/future partner, which only leads to stress and tension.
Overemphasis on individual development
Pop psychology doesn’t talk enough about the relational healing we all need. There’s a lot of emphasis on the need to “protect your peace” by encouraging avoidance and withdrawal behaviors. Don’t get me wrong, if someone is clearly disrespecting you, it’s best not to let them into your life. However, walking away whenever there’s a potential sign of conflict or an uncomfortable situation to deal with isn’t the same as “keeping the peace”, and it’s problematic avoidance behavior. How can you build a relationship if you run away as soon as complexity arises? There’s this strange idea that personal development is separate from relational well-being, when in fact the two overlap completely.
It’s easier to focus on personal development than to immerse yourself in the complexities of navigating your own personal issues while being in a relationship with someone else and having to consider the couple as a unit. Relationships make us grow, other people can reflect things about us that we hadn’t seen before, we can have restorative experiences with them that allow us to unlearn beliefs we held about ourselves or the world before.
But once again, social media is not the platform to capture the layers of such complexity. A lot of people even miss opportunities to build something together because they have convinced themselves that they need to be ‘fully healed’ before being in a relationship or worse they are now looking for a ‘fully healed’ partner.
And when disagreements arise or complex problems arise in couples, there’s a tendency to point the finger at one partner in particular and ask them to “go to therapy and do the work”. Let me be very clear: anyone who comes to me for therapy is working on themselves as an individual, but also in their relationship, and this always involves the other partner. There’s less emphasis than there used to be on finding solutions as a couple, which can create problems: it promotes the idea that one partner is defective and needs fixing, rather than recognizing the reality that, as a couple, we both need to invest and commit to trying to find together what works for OUR relationship.
Pathologising behaviour
We live in a world where, as soon as someone doesn’t respect our “limits” or makes a mistake, we call them a narcissist and immediately look for the story behind their behavior, searching for their “traumatic history” and pathologising their behaviour. You’re no longer having a conversation to try to understand each other, but pointing the finger at each other to see who has suffered more trauma and who needs to “do the work” and “heal more” to make the relationship work. Even when it comes to emotional regulation, people use this misguided notion in conversation: people aren’t capable of strong emotions anymore, and if they are, they lack emotional regulation skills – when in reality, emotional regulation skills have nothing to do with staying calm, it’s about reducing the intensity of emotion if you want to. But nobody’s saying you can never feel big emotions, they’re big for a reason.
The same goes for the word “trigger” that so many people misuse. It wasn’t your partner who triggered you. They simply said some unpleasant things. The word “trigger” is associated with obsessive-compulsive disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder. So it’s not appropriate to use it in everyday life, especially in conversation with a partner, to avoid taking responsibility for your own feelings. And it doesn’t help your situation either, as it promotes disconnection with your partner when you say this, as the blame game never brings people together to understand each other better.
Communication fixes everything
I often hear people say: “It’s all about communication…”, but there is more than that when it comes to making a relationship work long-term. One of the reasons we place so much importance on communication is that it gives us a clear sense of control. Here’s the definite answer to the problem and look, there are tons of posts on communication techniques you can start using right now to improve your relationship and get out of any emotionally challenging period you’re experiencing without having to do the emotional work yourself. So it’s understandable that it’s so appealing to focus on ONE thing and then hope it will solve all problems. However, this is a very reductive approach to relationships, and communication alone, without considering other elements (emotional stressors/understanding/psychological flexibility/compatibility/values/mental and physical health/socio-economic factors), is not enough to overcome some of the complex obstacles of relational life.
Reinforcing stereotypical gender roles
All this online talk about feminine and masculine energies only reinforces stereotypical roles for men and women in heterosexual relationships, which is not at all favorable to mental health or to quality interpersonal dynamics. It’s a very rigid conception of what a man should be and what a woman should be. This notion is restrictive for individuals, encouraging them to give up parts of their personality to conform to this idea of “feminine” or “masculine” energy in order to find a partner or maintain a relationship. It can create unnecessary stress and foster misunderstandings in the relationship: it can give the illusion that both partners have the same understanding of “feminine” and “masculine” energy, when it’s very likely that they both have a different notion of what this entails. Additionally, there is this idea of ‘if you are not in your masculine, I cannot be in my feminine’ which only fosters a sense of powerlessness in women and encourages being passive in their sense of identity and relationships.
If you need to rely on someone else’s behaviour to tap into your own feminine energy, you need to ask yourself why you’re giving your power to others. The idea that women “can’t be in their femininity” if no one else is in their masculinity also emphasises that they depend on men fulfilling certain behavioural criteria: ladies, why would you rely on that? When has that ever worked in your favor? This only encourages dependence and powerlessness. And it already leads to an imbalance in the relationship dynamic. Both partners can demonstrate masculine and feminine energies and qualities. It’s 2024, and patriarchy has done us men and women enough harm.
Yes, men suffer too. How many men don’t know who they are because they cling to very restrictive ideas of what it means to be a man and follow this notion of: protect and provide. What does that mean? What does it mean to be a man? Like it or not, all genders feel emotions and need to learn how to tap into their emotional world in a way that feels appropriate and authentic. If men can’t tap into their emotions because it makes them feminine, what does that mean for their mental health – constant problems that are then projected onto and hurt women? No, let’s not go backwards. Men have the right to feel their emotions too and that doesn’t make them feminine, it’s a human feature we all have.
Summary
There are many other problems linked to popular psychology when it comes to relationships that have not been mentioned in this article. This gives you an idea of the scale of the problem. I invite you to reflect on your beliefs about your relationship, what it means to you and to talk about it with the person you’re dating or your partner. It’s always a good idea to check in and see if you’re both on the same wavelength when it comes to understanding what your relationship is, what it entails, how both partners contribute to it and so on. This means daring to create your own rules with your partner and finding ways that work for you in terms of choosing overlapping values and ideas, while accepting that your partner can’t be everything to you either. Please distance yourself from pop-psychology content about relationships and consult mental health professionals when faced with a relationship problem. Couples therapy is not forever and does not have to be the last resort before divorce/breakup.