Many people find it difficult to have difficult conversations, whether out of fear of conflict or fear of not being “politically correct enough”.
Before going through the five key points below, pay attention to exactly what you are struggling with in a difficult conversation. Take time to reflect:
What is difficult about it? The potential of offending the other? What would that mean about you? The risk of being wrong and realizing you’ve been misinformed? What would this mean for you? The risk of breaking off the relationship? What would this mean for you? Think about the reason and then make sure to ask yourself: What does this mean about me? And see what comes up.
For many, it’s the fear of a potential loss of the relationship (which may stem from their previous relationships/experiences of loss) or the fear of experiencing shame – meaning they feel that the other person now sees them as “a bad person”, which may again threaten the relationship OR a wider relationship with their community.
It’s important to know that there are two main types of shame: internal and external. Internal shame arises when someone has negative thoughts/beliefs about themselves, i.e. their own self-judgment, while external shame refers to the perception, we have of how others judge us.
If we have trouble valuing ourselves, we may be more sensitive to the feeling that the other person is judging us (i.e. rejecting or abandoning us) during these conversations. It’s then possible that, as soon as the feeling of shame overtakes us, we become defensive because at that moment we feel attacked for who we are, instead of considering that “we are two valuable people sharing our different experiences of the world and trying to learn from each other”.
It’s about fostering the ability to think to oneself “my sense of worth remains intact no matter how this conversation turns out, because that’s not what it’s about”.
During difficult conversations, it’s essential to pay attention to when you feel shame in your body – and to learn to feel this emotion without letting it take over the conversation.
So, ask yourself: what do you do when you feel shame? How does it impact your conversations with others? And what do you need to do to feel it more fully without acting on it? Do you let other people define you? From what wound is this shame coming from?
You’ll find my BONUS TIP on shame at the end of the article.
- Normalise time out
The idea of “we need to sort this out now” and “we can’t go to bed angry” isn’t doing you any favours. If you notice that the conversation is going nowhere, that you’re stuck in a cycle, or that emotions are running too high, it’s okay to ask for a time-out. There should be mutual agreement at the start of the conversation that this is a fundamental ground rule, so that when you need to ask this person for this in the moment, you know it will be received and respected – rather than being sucked into another loop of “you don’t care enough to fix this issue now, but I do”, a kind of unnecessary layer of stress that adds to the situation. Taking the time to reflect, to feel your emotions and to make sure how you feel about what you’re talking about is showing maturity. It means you want to make sure you show up in that uncomfortable conversation in the best way possible – because you care.
2. Normalise asking for clarification
This is a very important aspect of uncomfortable conversations because you can really take the time to make sure you’re speaking from a place of truth, rather than defence. So, whenever you realize that you’re feeling defensive, or that you’re experiencing a strong emotion that suddenly overwhelms you about what’s being said, don’t respond right away – instead, notice your physiological experience of this emotional reaction, let the person finish what they’re saying, and ASK “what do you mean by that? or “Could you clarify ____” so that you can really assess whether you’re reacting to what they’re saying in terms of content or did you potentially misunderstand something here. Clarifying what is being said before choosing how to respond can greatly reduce the risk of misunderstandings and strong emotions.
3. Be mindful of language
Words are extremely important. Take your time when you express yourself to find the words that best describe what you are trying to convey, there is no need to rush. And you can also express your difficulty of finding the right words if that is something that you are experiencing. The more precise you express yourself, the better the chances of being understood. Refrain from using clinical language/psychology language you’ve seen on social media. It can create more issues than you think, especially if terms of not used properly – including the term ‘trigger’.
4. Holding both truths
It’s extremely important to acquire the ability to hold two truths at the same time, both intellectually and emotionally. This means that the aim of the conversation is not to try to convince the other person of your truth, but to explore the different ways in which the other person understands a situation, and to be aware that our understanding is shaped by the lives we’ve lived and the belief systems we’ve acquired over the course of our lives.
Of course, this is easier said than done. But accepting that this is the framework within which this conversation is taking place can be helpful when one person starts to veer into the default mode of defensiveness and struggles to make room for both voices due to a sense of insecurity that can of course arise from time to time – it’s human. The other person can then gently point out that the goal is for both to be heard and that they are both valid human beings of equal value, to help recentre the other person and the conversation.
It’s important to remember that we can validate a person’s experiences without understanding or agreeing with them. Validating means acknowledging their truth, not agreeing with it. It’s about respecting their humanity and individuality, and being able to understand that in doing so, we’re not invalidating ourselves. Both coexist.
Instead of adopting an “either/or” perspective, we need to think “AND”, with the aim of discovering how we can connect with each other all the while maintaining our differences. How can we be authentic without compromising each other’s authenticity.
5. Helping each other with regulation
You can’t try to navigate uncomfortable conversations without being able to become aware of your emotions in the present moment and know how to regulate their intensity when they arise. This is a skill you need to exercise as an individual, because it can be useful in all kinds of situations anyway.
But you can also ask the other person to help you with a regulation exercise (for example, by doing some breathwork together), or give them permission to point out when you don’t seem to be able to regulate yourself.
This means that if they notice that you’re talking faster, for example, that your breathing is changing and you start to raise your voice or change your posture in a way that indicates you may be feeling overwhelmed by emotion, they can point this out to you gently – not with the intention of shaming you – but because they want you to reflect whether this may be a good time to pause and regulate to make sure everyone feels comfortable and is ready to take part in the conversation.
If both individuals engage in this way, it can foster compassion and a mutual understanding that everyone needs to be responsible for their emotional experiences, so both people can coexist in this conversation, and you can help each other in this regard. Everyone recognizes that the situation is difficult, that emotions are strong and that emotional regulation exercises need to be part of the process.
3 Regulation Exercises you can try together:
- Do some breathing: focus on the long exhale as that is what calms the body.
- Do a body scan together: what does your body feel like? Where do you feel tension? Explore this together and notice how it can strengthen your sense of connection.Lie down on the floor (or on a yoga mat) and wiggle your toes, notice where you feel your emotions. What’s going on for you?
- Notice the colours/shapes in the room. Take turns in naming them.
BONUS TIP: BUILDING SELF-COMPASSION TO REDUCE SHAME
To counter shame, you need to cultivate compassion for yourself. Ideally, you work on your self-esteem to strengthen your sense of identity. Instead of your identity depending on the acceptance and validation of others, you ensure that it comes from within.
It’s about understanding that it’s okay if others don’t like us or decide not to connect with us anymore, because that doesn’t have to define who we are, and it only creates space for new people to align with us in the future.
It’s deep work that’s necessary for your mental health – however, your starting point is to remember, when that emotion of shame surfaces during an argument, that….:
- Shame is an emotion. It is not a truth. No matter how strong it feels like, it does not define you, nor the other person. You are not your emotions.
- Take a time-out if you notice that this attitude is too strong and is preventing you from listening to the person because you’re feeling defensive instead of connected. Explain that this is what’s happening and that you need to compose yourself so that you can return to the conversation at your best. That way, they’ll know that you’re not projecting your shame onto them and that you really want to understand them. By behaving in this way, you are modelling taking accountability for your feelings.
- During this downtime, you can implement emotional regulation techniques, but ideally you want to remind yourself that you belong, that it’s normal to feel protective of your identity, but that the intention of this conversation is to create a bond, that this person is not intentionally trying to hurt you and that you are safe.Your sense of security and individuality depends on you and you alone, no one can take it away from you. Reminding yourself of this, and responding to the shame with such reminders, can help you calm it down and refocus.
- Remember that you have the right to make mistakes, to still need to learn, it doesn’t mean that you lose value or that others no longer appreciate you. Acknowledging your limits with the other person makes the conversation emotionally safe, because you’re showing that it’s normal to be vulnerable and to show up without being perfect.What counts is your decision to engage and your willingness to learn/expand your vision of understanding the world/others. You show that you prioritise the connection and the willingness of be in the complexity that this can bring at times over the need of being fully right/perfect.
- Practice channelling your compassionate image. You can close your eyes and notice what comes to mind when you think of compassion (it can be a felt feeling, not everyone is good at visualization and that’s okay). Notice what or who comes to you and how you feel when you think of this mental image. You should feel unconditionally accepted by the image in your mind.You can retrieve this image whenever you feel a strong sense of shame or imagine that this picture/person is by your side when you’re going through a difficult conversation. Strange as it may seem at first, give it a try, because the power of imagination is very real.
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