Relational trauma is caused by inconsistent, unsafe or harmful relationships, especially in the early years of life. This kind of trauma frequently develops in environments characterised by abuse, neglect, or emotional instability, and where caregivers do not provide children with the safety and nurturing they need to thrive. Therefore, instead of learning that relationships can be safe and supportive, children with relational trauma internalise the belief that relationships are unpredictable or even dangerous. It fundamentally disrupts how they relate to themselves, leading to a fractured and incoherent identity that can contribute to various mental health and relationship difficulties.
A sense of self is essentially the way we perceive and understand ourselves – it’s like a personal ID card that contains your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, values and roles in life (e.g. as a friend, student or partner). When describing yourself to someone who doesn’t know you, you may mention your hobbies, personality traits and goals. This collection of thoughts and feelings about yourself forms your sense of self, which is essential for navigating the world around you. Indeed, having a strong sense of self is important for several reasons:
Guides Decision-Making: With a well developed sense of self, you are more likely to make decisions that align with your values and beliefs. For example, if honesty is important to you, you are likely to make decisions that reflect this value.
Enhances Self-Esteem: To understand and embrace who you are leads to positive feelings about yourself. This self-acceptance promotes higher self-esteem, which is important for overall mental health. People with a strong sense of self-esteem are more resilient and able to cope with adversity.
Aids in Relationship Building: When you know yourself, you can create meaningful, healthy relationships. It enables you to communicate your needs, set boundaries and connect with others, which is key to trust and intimacy.
Promotes Authenticity: A solid sense of self will encourage you to be authentic instead of conforming to the expectations of others. Authenticity breeds deeper connections because people are attracted to those who are genuine.
Fosters Independence: When you know who you are, you are much less inclined to rely on others for validation, which prevents unhealthy dependencies in relationships.
Unfortunately, for people who have experienced relational trauma, the development of a coherent sense of self can be severely harmed. The inconsistent and damaging interactions in early relationships can lead to various psychological challenges:
Low Self-Worth: Children who have suffered relational trauma can often grow up believing that they are not worthy of love and respect. This internalized narrative can follow them into adulthood and lead to a pervasive sense of inadequacy. They are likely to avoid opportunities that could lead to success or happiness because they are convinced that they do not deserve them. For example, a person might stay in a toxic relationship because they believe they can’t find anyone better.
Doubts About Self-Perception: Relational trauma may create a gap between self-perception and the actual feelings of those affected. There can be confusion about their own emotions and desires, leading to feelings of emptiness or detachment. For example, someone may find it difficult to recognise what brings them pleasure because they have been conditioned to put the needs of others above their own.
Fragmented Identity: Many people who have suffered a traumatic relationship history develop a fragmented identity and take on different personalities for different aspects of their lives. This fragmentation can lead to internal conflict as they struggle to reconcile these different personalities. For example, a person may be assertive at work but feel gentle and submissive in personal relationships, leading to a constant struggle between their true self and the roles they are forced to play.
Inconsistent Emotional Responses: Trauma can lead to sudden emotional reactions that make interpersonal relationships difficult. People affected fluctuate between extreme emotions, such as strong anger or deep sadness, which are triggered by seemingly seemingly minor events. This unpredictability can lead to emotional chaos in relationships, leaving partners feeling confused and unsure of how to support their loved ones.
Moreover, the psychological impact of relational trauma often leads to significant mental health issues, including:
Anxiety and Depression: A shattered sense of self and chronic feelings of inadequacy can trigger anxiety and depression. Sufferers may feel trapped in cycles of negative self-talk, struggle with feelings of hopelessness or experience panic attacks triggered by relationship stress.
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD): relational trauma can lead to PTSD, characterised by flashbacks, nightmares, and hyper-arousal. This is particularly common in those who experienced abusive environments, as reminders of past trauma can trigger overwhelming anxiety and fear.
Personality Disorders: Chronic relational trauma may contribute to the development of personality disorders such as borderline personality disorder (BPD). People with BPD often have a fragmented sense of self, unstable relationships and intense emotions, reflecting the impact of early relationship trauma on their identity.
How Therapy can Help
If you suspect that you have suffered from relational trauma, therapy can be a crucial step towards healing. Attending therapy provides you with a safe space to explore the impact of your past relationships and help you recognize patterns that affect your current behavior. You can increase your self-awareness, develop coping strategies for dealing with your emotions and re-establish a coherent identity. Ultimately, therapy supports the development of healthier sense of self and genuine authentic relationships.